"Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by Dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs
I read this quote at just the right time. I've been struggling lately with "the noise" of what my ex-husband said to me when he told me he wanted a divorce: "You're not outgoing" (translation = boring), "You don't look like you used to." (translation = you're fat). Those words really hurt. Since then, those words keep ringing in my ear.
I've struggled with self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I spent so much time as a teen and adult trying to gain approval from others. When I got married I thought, now I have someone who will love me forever just as I am. Being rejected by the person you thought would always love you no matter what, is heart-breaking. To be told you're undesirable and not interesting, is crushing.
I know that my friends and family disagree with his description of me, but the words were still spoken and still linger. Is that what people who first meet me think? How can I change myself to be someone worthy of love?
Then I read the above quote. Why am I letting his opinion trap me in negative self-talk? Why would I let anyone's opinion make me feel unworthy? Why do I care so much about what others' think of me?
Well I'm not sure I can promise to completely disregard the opinions of others, but I'm trying to see myself with fresh eyes. I'm focusing on accepting myself for who I am. Sure, there are physical qualities I'd like to change, but my self- worth shouldn't be measured on my appearance. As for my personality, that's not going to change, and it shouldn't have to for me to be liked. I have lots of friends who like to be around me, and I'm going to let their voices speak louder than his.
Most of all, I have to remember that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on anyone. My happiness comes from within. If I rely on other people to make me happy or feel good about myself, I will never be happy. No one is perfect.
I still hear in my head the terrible words spoken to me over 20 years ago. I've actually been thinking about them more than usual lately. Why do those stick with us more than the positive? I think it's hard for people who haven't been spoken to like this to understand. How about I'll pray for you and you pray for me?
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of when I asked Lee what he learned in preschool and he said, "Don't bite." A good lesson for toddlers. Then I thought about how words "bite." They hurt your heart. Physical bites eventually stop hurting and usually don't leave scars, but verbal bites leave scars that may never go away. I will definitely pray for you, and I'd love it if you'd pray for me. :)
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