I might be lost . . .

Well it's been a long time since I've posted anything. This summer has brought a lot of new experiences for me as a single parent. Many of those experiences are a reminder of how I now have to do things that make me feel inadequate and out of place.

For example, today I'm at my daughter's soccer game.  We arrived 4 minutes before game time (they were supposed to be there 15-20 minutes early to practice).  Our tardiness was caused by several things; the game began at 8 a.m. and I had very poor sleep because my son woke up in the night from bad dreams and one of my daughter's friends accidentally FaceTimed me several times during the night.

Also her cleats were untied, her hair wasn't pulled back, I gave her a half full water bottle that I found in the car, and her breakfast was a donut from Starbucks. Now I can partially blame not having a spouse to help me with these details. Probably a bigger reason for my "fail" as a soccer mom, is that I'm "lost" in this role. I'm great at having all school related tasks taken care of, but the expectations of  sports and athletics are foreign to me.

Additionally I'm not a good sideline sport mom. I observe the game half-heartedly without knowledge of the score or what is happening. I don't yell instructions such as "Stay in your position. Go defense! Or nice kick!" I'm wearing platform sandals that are now covered in the wet grass of a freshly mowed soccer field. I have a 20 ounce latte despite the 90 degree heat. My makeup is melting, my black yoga capris are attracting the sun and causing every inch of my body south of my navel to sweat angrily. Also my freshly flat ironed hair is rapidly turning into a frizzy damp mess glued to my scalp.

I clearly look and most definitely feel out of place. This new "role" isn't going to end anytime soon, in fact I anticipate as the kids get older, I'll have more sporting events to attend. I'm going to have to get some pointers on how to be a better, sportier mom.

Vacation

School's finished for the year! Let summer vacation commence!  As a teacher, summer is particularly delightful because I don't have to work for a few months. I fill my time with reading "big people" books, taking the kids to the pool, and enjoying weekday activities such as lunch out with friends, trips to the park, and basking in the summer sun. Of course the most anticipated part of the summer is "THE VACATION."   This year, we are going to the beach. My parents have 2 condos on Belleair Beach which is just south of Clearwater, FL.  The vacation produces a variety of emotions related to the anticipation of the trip.

• ANXIETY - This year, my first summer as a single mom, I will be traveling with my kids solo. This means I will be navigating the airport, going through security, and balancing my 3 year-old, plane tickets, and carry-on luggage by myself.  Lee, my 3 year-old, either has a hearing impairment or a following directions impairment. He runs, will not hold hands, screams when denied anything, and demands the impossible:

1. "I fly plane." - Sorry you have not obtained your pilot's license yet. 
2. "Gimme chocolate milk." - I was not allowed to bring liquids on the plane and your options now are soda or a Bloody Mary. 
3. "Go that way." - I would also enjoy going that way as that is the gate from which the next flight to Hawaii is going, but no matter how loud you scream, they will not let us on that plane without tickets. 
4. "Let me down." - I'd love nothing more than to take a snooze while you roam the plane, but people frown on strange children crawling between their legs, grabbing snacks off their trays, and insisting on a game of catch with Matchbox cars. 

• EXCITEMENT - I love the beach on the Gulf more than any place in the world!  The sands are white and cool to the touch. The waves are calm and a deep turquoise hue. Shells roll in and remind me of the smallest beauties of God's creation. Time at the beach is filled with the relaxing sound of the sea caressing the shore. Family laughing and enjoying each other's company. The tropical smell of sunscreen, and the salty mist of the ocean. 

Ahhh . . . as my mind drifts to that beautiful place, the cherished memories from the past, and dreams of future ventures, my anxiety is squelched and only the excitement remains. 

Seeking a roommate

I'm considering putting an ad in the newspaper in hopes of finding a roommate. Taking care of one's house solo is very challenging. By challenging I mean it SUCKS!  I'm used to the laundry, cleaning, taking care of all the kids' stuff, however there are physical house related things that I am ill prepared to do.

Wanted - Roommate for short single mother of two.
Requirements:

• Must mow lawn and attend to any landscaping issues including but not limited to: pulling weeds, mulching, watering lawn, and anything else that needs to be done to make neighbors not shake their heads in disgust when they see the lawn.  
• Must be tall enough to change light bulbs. A step ladder and light bulbs will be provided. 
• Must do additional household things such as changing furnace filer, set and adjust thermostat according to season. Related duties will be assigned when the home owner figures out what else has to be done in a house. 
• Must take care of the homeowner's car (i.e. wash every few months, vacuum out snack particles and various pieces of trash littered about by the homeowner's children, remember maintenance items such as oil changes, balancing tires, etc. and take the care to dealership for aforementioned car related tasks. 
• Cooking and meal preparation is not a requirement but bonus compensation will be provided for  this service. 

Benefits:

• An empty room in the basement. Roommate must stay in their area unless summoned to perform one of the above mentioned duties. 
• Free wi-fi. 
• Full size washer and dryer (detergent not included).
• Occasional opportunities to interact with the delightful homeowner. 

If interested, please submit a DNA sample. Interviews will require performance of one or more of job duties. 

Specificity

Sometimes people make vague statements. This leads to a need for appropriate interpretation or a request for clarification of the statement.

I may need to request specificity on the following offers:

• My neighbors said, "Feel free to use our pool whenever you want." My interpretation: They will not mind if they come home from work and I'm floating on my raft in their pool, or sunbathing on the surrounding patio. 

• My parents said, "We are more than willing to help watch the kids whenever you need."  My interpretation: If I want to go shopping or on a weekend trip to Cancun, it's cool to say, "I need you to watch the kids this weekend."
• The guys from my LifeGroup said, "Let us know if you need us to do anything around the house. Nothing is too big or too small."  My interpretation:  I need to have my lawn mowed and it's cool for me to ask them to do that. Also the lightbulb in my garage has burned out, they wouldn't mind if I asked them to come change it. 
• My friends said, "Let me know if you want to go out or hang out anytime."  My interpretation:  Despite the fact that they have husbands and families, they would abandon them on a moments notice to entertain me. 

I like my interpretation of these open-ended offers, but something tells me I should probably get some clarification before I make assumptions. 😉

Dead give aways that you are a mom

When new acquaintances say, "Tell me about yourself." "What do you do for fun?" "What hobbies do you have?" "If you could define yourself in three words - what would they be?"  as a mom of small children, your answers are drastically different than they were pre-motherhood.

"Tell me about yourself."
I am a mom of 2 kids: a 2.5 year old and an 8 year old.  That's it.  Oh, I'm a teacher too. Sometimes I forget that I do anything other than taking care of my kids."

"What do you do for fun?"
I'm sorry I don't understand the question.  "Um, I like to go to work because it is less stressful than being at home. When I am at home, I enjoy the hours between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m.  That is when the house is quiet, I can talk on the phone, check my email, and restore my home from it's state of wreckage.

"What hobbies do you have?"
If by hobbies you mean, what do I do when I do not have my children, I clean my house, do the grocery shopping, and sleep. Sometimes I read, but usually I fall asleep 3 pages in.

"If you could define yourself in 3 words, what would they be?"
Tired, bruised, agreeable (to anything that keeps my kids from screaming)

Other changes when you have small children:

• Your purse gets larger each year and is 3/4 full of "stuff" for your kids - diapers, wipes, extra pacifiers, candy (or "Be quiet" food as I like to call it), stain stick, crayons, stuffed animals, Matchbox cars, Kleenex, etc. 
• Your "weekend clothes" double as pajamas - yoga pants and t-shirts. 
• Restaurant options must include either a drive through, CarSide to-go, or (the best) DELIVERY. 
• Nothing precious or breakable in your home is less than 5 feet off the ground. 
• Meal choices are not limited to typical foods. Corn dogs for breakfast - why not? Pancakes for dinner, sure. Four yogurts for dinner - whatever. Cereal for all three meals -I don't care. 
• Time with your children gives you new roles - search and rescue volunteer, disaster recovery expert, and defensive coordinator. 
• Bathroom breaks and showers are a race against the clock - when you don't have eyes on the kids, the worst is probably occurring. 
• You are so familiar with Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Dora, and Imagination Movers that when flipping through the channels, you say, "Wait! Don't change the channel. I haven't seen this one." or their frequent phrases get stuck in your head, "We got four more Gold Doubloons! Let's grab 'em and go!" "Vamanos!" "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. I'M THE MAP!"  "This is an idea emergency!"
• Your car radio is programmed to carefully selected channels. The first day your kindergartener walks into school singing a Nicki Minaj song, you know changes must be made. 
• You spend your Christmas money purchasing an iPod or tablet for your child in order to regain rights of your phone (and a few minutes of peace and quiet).

I'm sure there are more, and I'm certain that once I have a teenager, I will have a WHOLE new list. Check back in 4 years for that post. ;)

Patience is a virtue . . .

. . . that I do not possess. Things I am impatient about:

• Healing from my divorce. I'm so done with thinking about it!  Some days it consumes my thoughts. It has been four months since the decision was made. Three months since I moved out.  Two months since it was legally finalized. I want it to be a tiny bad memory that barely enters my mind, and quickly dissipates. Enough!
• My ex- husband telling me things I don't need to know. "I love my new girlfriend."  "I think I will eventually marry her."  "We have SO much in common."  "She is SO fun."  And perhaps my favorite, "We have great sex."  What?! What would possess him to tell me those things?  I don't give a rip about his new love life!  Enough!
• Weight loss. I've been eating healthy, balanced meals, within a 1200 calorie daily limit. I've been exercising for a week. I can see a tiny difference in the way my clothes fit. Why am I not thin and fit yet?  Realistically I know that it took much longer than 2 weeks for my body to look the way it does, yet I frown each time I look at my physique. Enough!
• My two year old acting like a two year old. I'm so tired of telling him not to bite, push, and kick people. Finished with cleaning up purposely spilled Gatorade, chocolate milk, yogurt, and any food item. Done with the pulling me down when he is holding my hand and supposed to be walking. Had it with giving him what he's asked for only for him to respond with screams. Enough!

I've got to get it together and practice purposeful patience. If I don't, I'm going to lose it. By lose it, I mean my mind. If no one hears from my for a week, please investigate. There's a good probability I'm sitting in the corner of my closet with my arms wrapped around my knees rocking back and forth mumbling to myself like a psych ward patient. 

I need patience. But in the words of the great philosopher, Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that."

Dogma

"Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by Dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. 

Everything else is secondary."  Steve Jobs

I read this quote at just the right time.  I've been struggling lately with "the noise" of what my ex-husband said to me when he told me he wanted a divorce: "You're not outgoing" (translation = boring), "You don't look like you used to." (translation = you're fat).  Those words really hurt. Since then, those words keep ringing in my ear. 

I've struggled with self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I spent so much time as a teen and adult trying to gain approval from others. When I got married I thought, now I have someone who will love me forever just as I am. Being rejected by the person you thought would always love you no matter what, is heart-breaking. To be told you're undesirable and not interesting, is crushing. 

I know that my friends and family disagree with his description of me, but the words were still spoken and still linger. Is that what people who first meet me think?  How can I change myself to be someone worthy of love? 

Then I read the above quote. Why am I letting his opinion trap me in negative self-talk? Why would I let anyone's opinion make me feel unworthy?  Why do I care so much about what others' think of me?

Well I'm not sure I can promise to completely disregard the opinions of others, but I'm trying to see myself with fresh eyes. I'm focusing on accepting myself for who I am. Sure, there are physical qualities I'd like to change, but my self- worth shouldn't be measured on my appearance. As for my personality, that's not going to change, and it shouldn't have to for me to be liked. I have lots of friends who like to be around me, and I'm going to let their voices speak louder than his. 

Most of all, I have to remember that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on anyone. My happiness comes from within. If I rely on other people to make me happy or feel good about myself, I will never be happy. No one is perfect. 

OCD

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me has probably noticed I have some OCD tendencies. Now my OCD doesn't manifest itself in the forms of turning the door handle 5 times to the left before locking it or setting my alarm to a time where the numbers don't add up to thirteen.
However when I find something I like, my obsessiveness begins.

Starbucks -When I had my first taste of the Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte specially crafted by the baristas at Starbucks back in 2002, an obsession began. I mapped out my work route precisely so that I would pass a Starbucks on the way. I started getting one on the way to and then another on the way from work. Then when I went to Boston (where they have a Starbucks on practically every street corner), I would get one and then get a second one even if I hadn't finished the one in my hand at the next Starbucks I saw, just in case I didn't see another Starbucks when my first latte was finished. On other trips, I've traveled ridiculous distances just to get my fix. I've purchase their coffee, their syrups, and even their Verissimo latte maker, yet nothing I make at home meets the perfection of the lattes I get in their stores.  I've tried to quit or find a cheaper replacement for the sake of my pocketbook, but it draws me like a moth to a flame. The best I can do is limit myself to several a week (unless I get a gift card as a present, and then let the overindulgence commence)!

COACH - My first Coach purse came from Marshall's. It was a small pink leather shoulder bag.  Ever since then, I've been seeking the stylish handbags in all shapes, fabrics, and sizes. A few years ago when Coach introduced their line of accessories, (perfume, shoes, scarves, sunglasses, and jewelry) I thought I might have to seek additional employment to quench my need for all things Coach. It is another obsession that drains my checking account every time I visit the outlet mall.

Right Angled Organization - Perhaps my strangest compulsion is having things at right angles. All items on my desk MUST be positioned at right angles - perpendicular to the edges of my desk. The tape dispenser, stapler, calendar, and writing instruments all remain or are returned to their correct position prior to working at my desk and upon leaving my desk. This odd behavior became a joke to my coworkers at one of my previous places of employment so much that people would sneak into my classroom when I wasn't there and move items on my desk just to drive me crazy.

Turquoise - My latest obsession is with all things turquoise. When I started thinking of how I wanted to decorate my new home, I knew I wanted there to be color. My ex-husband didn't like color, so our homes always had brown, tan, black, and gray (with the rare exception of a picture that included a hint of red).  Even our wedding was color-free. He didn't want the bridesmaids to wear colorful dresses - luckily we found silver gray dresses from The Loft that he approved of. The selecting of a cake was even MORE difficult. The only one he like had a black ribbon on it 😕. Really?!  We "compromised" by getting a solid white cake. It was very pretty, but it was the WORST cake I've ever tasted in my whole life - and I never pass up a piece of cake. The icing was fondant. It tasted like wax. Extremely disappointing for a cake connoisseur such as myself. I digress, I decided to make my accent color turquoise. Not only is it pretty and calming, it reminds me of the color of the ocean. So my obsession has resulted in the photos below.

Things I never thought I'd say . . .

When you aren't a parent, things you think you might say as a parent may include:  "Please clean up your toys." "It's bedtime." or "Don't run in the house."

Now that I've been a parent for 8 years, I've found myself saying things I never thought I'd say . . .

• Don't stick your finger in the doggie's butt.
• Take your hand out of the toilet.
• You may NOT eat the dryer sheets.
• Don't put your hands in your pants.
• Please don't head-butt mommy. 
• My shirt is not a tissue.
• Don't lick my shoes.
• Put the sump pump pipe back.
• We do NOT throw forks.
• Put the poop down (as in dog poop in the yard).
• Stop pouring spaghetti on the dog.
• Chocolate milk is for drinking, not for painting.
• I do not want to eat your booger.
• Take my bra off your head.
• You cannot eat your sucker after you stick it to the dog.

And most recently:

• You may not wear your cowboy boots to bed.

(I should mention that all of the above are things I've had to say to my son.  He is a character, to say the least.)

Harmony

I LOVE my dog, Harmony. She is a four-year-old Miniature Golden Retriever. The Miniature Golden is a dog that has been bred from a Golden Retriever and a Cocker Spaniel. Harmony is 75% Golden and 25% Cocker. The reason this breed is gaining popularity is because of the beloved temperament of the Golden, with the smaller size of the Cocker. I first fell in love with Goldens when I met Kona, my friend Haylee's Golden. Kona was the sweetest dog I had ever been around!  He was lovable, affectionate, and a cuddler. I was determined to have a companion like that. After a few failed attempts at rescuing adult Goldens - one had such bad anxiety she broke her teeth off every time we crated her to go to work, and a different one developed cancer and passed away - we came across Harmony. Harmony is a retired breeder. She produced litters of puppies for several years until she was too old to do so anymore. So her owners didn't want her anymore and we adopted her. 

When I was going through dividing the assets from the marriage with my ex- husband, the one thing I adamantly wanted was Harmony. He could have his movie screen TV, Jaguar, and custom pool table - but Harmony was coming with me (and the Tempurpedic mattress - almost nothing is worse than a terrible mattress).  Incidentally he didn't care, so it was a nonissue. 

The other day as she and I were snuggled up on the couch, I started thinking about how much I could relate to her. She and I had both been discarded. We were easily replaced by people we thought we would be with forever. I wondered if her family had told her why they didn't want her anymore. Then I thought, which is worse - not knowing why you are not wanted anymore, or being told why and having your worst fears confirmed - you are inadequate and undesirable. 

Harmony and I aren't perfect. We both have saggy bellies from having babies. Neither of us are as active and "fun" as we used to be. We aren't as young as we used to be, which has resulted in a desire for a quieter "less exciting" lifestyle.  We both get our feelings hurt when we are yelled at. Sure there are things we could, and should, work on. I should exercise and eat healthier. Harmony should stop jumping on people and counter surfing. We both snore and drool a little when we sleep . . .

While I know we are both better off not being with people who don't want to be with us, the rejection still hurts. I did read a quote recently that I've been repeating to myself when I start negative self-talk: "You're not being rejected from something good; you're being redirected  to something better," Nicole Filla Crank.

The good, the bad, and the worst . . .

So I moved mid January and since then each day I discover something new about being divorced and living alone. Everything seems to fall into one of three categories: good, bad, or worse.

The good:
I get to go to Target ALONE!  The days that I don't have the kids, I run all my errands and do my grocery shopping. I actually peruse the aisles leisurely and don't have to push my cart in the very middle of the aisle for fear Lee will swipe an entire shelf of pickles onto the floor.

I'm only cleaning up after myself and TWO children. Cleaning up after a grown person is SO aggravating! I used to walk around grumbling as I picked up all sorts of miscellaneous items:  "Oh of course a dirty coffee cup would go next to the sink rather than in the empty dishwasher.  And by all means, don't bother putting the hand towel back on the rack. Let's just wad it in a big wet ball so that the kids can witness science as mold forms on it." And "I think I will convert the closets into reading nooks or wine racks because for some reason you're unable to place clothes, shoes, jackets, etcetera back in a closet. Instead they are littered around the house, and as much as I like an Easter egg hunt, I do not consider smelly shoes, neck ties, and mate-less socks as delightful as Cadbury eggs or pastel M&Ms.

The bad:
I am now responsible for all the chores at my house. For the last 6 years or so, we had a cleaning lady come every other week. Now I'm in charge of all the cleaning and it's worse than I remember. I can hear you playing your tiny violin for me, but seriously, how hard does one have to scrub to get water spots off the shower door?  Also I never recommend getting a home with dark wood floors if you have a Golden Retriever. I have tumbleweeds of dog fur rolling around my home at all times. I vacuum at least twice a week, but it still looks like I live in the canine Wild West.

I am my only physical protector. I enjoy watching CSI and Criminal Minds, so of course every tiny noise at night frightens me.  I'm not sure why anyone would break into my house - I mean I love my turquoise bar stools from Pier 1 and my paperback collection of Jodi Picoult books - but I'm not sure they'd go for much on the Black Market.  I feel a little better now that I've had an alarm system installed, but I still visualize myself trying to ward off an attacker until the police arrive by throwing a snow boot at him or a hair dryer.  Not sure that would be very effective.

The worst:
I only have my kids 3-4 days a week. Even though sometimes they drive me crazy and I want to play hide and seek, but not actually be found, they are my precious babies and the greatest blessings in my life. I truly miss them when they are not with me, and I don't sleep well those nights . . .

I've misplaced my bookmark . . .

There are many chapters of a person's life. A new chapter might begin with a celebration such as a graduation, new career, or the birth of a baby. Other chapters aren't met with anticipation, like the death of a loved one or a divorce.

Regardless of the chapter, I believe there is always something to learn and an opportunity for growth.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life. It is one of the latter ones I mentioned. One I didn't meet with excitement or anticipation. It is a chapter that starts with getting divorced. There are already highlights to the chapter such as getting a new home and renewing old friendships.  But there have definitely been low points - feelings of rejection, depression, and sadness.

I'm not sure how this blog will go. If it follows the path of my recent weeks, one day I might post about the great turquoise tea kettle I found at World Market, and the next day I might be voicing the displeasure of my recent label of "37 year-old divorced mother of 2."  Realistically I will probably post photos of my Golden Retriever and silly things my 2 year old says.

Either way, it's my new chapter, and I hope to learn, grow, and become stronger as it continues.