OCD

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me has probably noticed I have some OCD tendencies. Now my OCD doesn't manifest itself in the forms of turning the door handle 5 times to the left before locking it or setting my alarm to a time where the numbers don't add up to thirteen.
However when I find something I like, my obsessiveness begins.

Starbucks -When I had my first taste of the Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte specially crafted by the baristas at Starbucks back in 2002, an obsession began. I mapped out my work route precisely so that I would pass a Starbucks on the way. I started getting one on the way to and then another on the way from work. Then when I went to Boston (where they have a Starbucks on practically every street corner), I would get one and then get a second one even if I hadn't finished the one in my hand at the next Starbucks I saw, just in case I didn't see another Starbucks when my first latte was finished. On other trips, I've traveled ridiculous distances just to get my fix. I've purchase their coffee, their syrups, and even their Verissimo latte maker, yet nothing I make at home meets the perfection of the lattes I get in their stores.  I've tried to quit or find a cheaper replacement for the sake of my pocketbook, but it draws me like a moth to a flame. The best I can do is limit myself to several a week (unless I get a gift card as a present, and then let the overindulgence commence)!

COACH - My first Coach purse came from Marshall's. It was a small pink leather shoulder bag.  Ever since then, I've been seeking the stylish handbags in all shapes, fabrics, and sizes. A few years ago when Coach introduced their line of accessories, (perfume, shoes, scarves, sunglasses, and jewelry) I thought I might have to seek additional employment to quench my need for all things Coach. It is another obsession that drains my checking account every time I visit the outlet mall.

Right Angled Organization - Perhaps my strangest compulsion is having things at right angles. All items on my desk MUST be positioned at right angles - perpendicular to the edges of my desk. The tape dispenser, stapler, calendar, and writing instruments all remain or are returned to their correct position prior to working at my desk and upon leaving my desk. This odd behavior became a joke to my coworkers at one of my previous places of employment so much that people would sneak into my classroom when I wasn't there and move items on my desk just to drive me crazy.

Turquoise - My latest obsession is with all things turquoise. When I started thinking of how I wanted to decorate my new home, I knew I wanted there to be color. My ex-husband didn't like color, so our homes always had brown, tan, black, and gray (with the rare exception of a picture that included a hint of red).  Even our wedding was color-free. He didn't want the bridesmaids to wear colorful dresses - luckily we found silver gray dresses from The Loft that he approved of. The selecting of a cake was even MORE difficult. The only one he like had a black ribbon on it 😕. Really?!  We "compromised" by getting a solid white cake. It was very pretty, but it was the WORST cake I've ever tasted in my whole life - and I never pass up a piece of cake. The icing was fondant. It tasted like wax. Extremely disappointing for a cake connoisseur such as myself. I digress, I decided to make my accent color turquoise. Not only is it pretty and calming, it reminds me of the color of the ocean. So my obsession has resulted in the photos below.

Things I never thought I'd say . . .

When you aren't a parent, things you think you might say as a parent may include:  "Please clean up your toys." "It's bedtime." or "Don't run in the house."

Now that I've been a parent for 8 years, I've found myself saying things I never thought I'd say . . .

• Don't stick your finger in the doggie's butt.
• Take your hand out of the toilet.
• You may NOT eat the dryer sheets.
• Don't put your hands in your pants.
• Please don't head-butt mommy. 
• My shirt is not a tissue.
• Don't lick my shoes.
• Put the sump pump pipe back.
• We do NOT throw forks.
• Put the poop down (as in dog poop in the yard).
• Stop pouring spaghetti on the dog.
• Chocolate milk is for drinking, not for painting.
• I do not want to eat your booger.
• Take my bra off your head.
• You cannot eat your sucker after you stick it to the dog.

And most recently:

• You may not wear your cowboy boots to bed.

(I should mention that all of the above are things I've had to say to my son.  He is a character, to say the least.)

Harmony

I LOVE my dog, Harmony. She is a four-year-old Miniature Golden Retriever. The Miniature Golden is a dog that has been bred from a Golden Retriever and a Cocker Spaniel. Harmony is 75% Golden and 25% Cocker. The reason this breed is gaining popularity is because of the beloved temperament of the Golden, with the smaller size of the Cocker. I first fell in love with Goldens when I met Kona, my friend Haylee's Golden. Kona was the sweetest dog I had ever been around!  He was lovable, affectionate, and a cuddler. I was determined to have a companion like that. After a few failed attempts at rescuing adult Goldens - one had such bad anxiety she broke her teeth off every time we crated her to go to work, and a different one developed cancer and passed away - we came across Harmony. Harmony is a retired breeder. She produced litters of puppies for several years until she was too old to do so anymore. So her owners didn't want her anymore and we adopted her. 

When I was going through dividing the assets from the marriage with my ex- husband, the one thing I adamantly wanted was Harmony. He could have his movie screen TV, Jaguar, and custom pool table - but Harmony was coming with me (and the Tempurpedic mattress - almost nothing is worse than a terrible mattress).  Incidentally he didn't care, so it was a nonissue. 

The other day as she and I were snuggled up on the couch, I started thinking about how much I could relate to her. She and I had both been discarded. We were easily replaced by people we thought we would be with forever. I wondered if her family had told her why they didn't want her anymore. Then I thought, which is worse - not knowing why you are not wanted anymore, or being told why and having your worst fears confirmed - you are inadequate and undesirable. 

Harmony and I aren't perfect. We both have saggy bellies from having babies. Neither of us are as active and "fun" as we used to be. We aren't as young as we used to be, which has resulted in a desire for a quieter "less exciting" lifestyle.  We both get our feelings hurt when we are yelled at. Sure there are things we could, and should, work on. I should exercise and eat healthier. Harmony should stop jumping on people and counter surfing. We both snore and drool a little when we sleep . . .

While I know we are both better off not being with people who don't want to be with us, the rejection still hurts. I did read a quote recently that I've been repeating to myself when I start negative self-talk: "You're not being rejected from something good; you're being redirected  to something better," Nicole Filla Crank.

The good, the bad, and the worst . . .

So I moved mid January and since then each day I discover something new about being divorced and living alone. Everything seems to fall into one of three categories: good, bad, or worse.

The good:
I get to go to Target ALONE!  The days that I don't have the kids, I run all my errands and do my grocery shopping. I actually peruse the aisles leisurely and don't have to push my cart in the very middle of the aisle for fear Lee will swipe an entire shelf of pickles onto the floor.

I'm only cleaning up after myself and TWO children. Cleaning up after a grown person is SO aggravating! I used to walk around grumbling as I picked up all sorts of miscellaneous items:  "Oh of course a dirty coffee cup would go next to the sink rather than in the empty dishwasher.  And by all means, don't bother putting the hand towel back on the rack. Let's just wad it in a big wet ball so that the kids can witness science as mold forms on it." And "I think I will convert the closets into reading nooks or wine racks because for some reason you're unable to place clothes, shoes, jackets, etcetera back in a closet. Instead they are littered around the house, and as much as I like an Easter egg hunt, I do not consider smelly shoes, neck ties, and mate-less socks as delightful as Cadbury eggs or pastel M&Ms.

The bad:
I am now responsible for all the chores at my house. For the last 6 years or so, we had a cleaning lady come every other week. Now I'm in charge of all the cleaning and it's worse than I remember. I can hear you playing your tiny violin for me, but seriously, how hard does one have to scrub to get water spots off the shower door?  Also I never recommend getting a home with dark wood floors if you have a Golden Retriever. I have tumbleweeds of dog fur rolling around my home at all times. I vacuum at least twice a week, but it still looks like I live in the canine Wild West.

I am my only physical protector. I enjoy watching CSI and Criminal Minds, so of course every tiny noise at night frightens me.  I'm not sure why anyone would break into my house - I mean I love my turquoise bar stools from Pier 1 and my paperback collection of Jodi Picoult books - but I'm not sure they'd go for much on the Black Market.  I feel a little better now that I've had an alarm system installed, but I still visualize myself trying to ward off an attacker until the police arrive by throwing a snow boot at him or a hair dryer.  Not sure that would be very effective.

The worst:
I only have my kids 3-4 days a week. Even though sometimes they drive me crazy and I want to play hide and seek, but not actually be found, they are my precious babies and the greatest blessings in my life. I truly miss them when they are not with me, and I don't sleep well those nights . . .

I've misplaced my bookmark . . .

There are many chapters of a person's life. A new chapter might begin with a celebration such as a graduation, new career, or the birth of a baby. Other chapters aren't met with anticipation, like the death of a loved one or a divorce.

Regardless of the chapter, I believe there is always something to learn and an opportunity for growth.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life. It is one of the latter ones I mentioned. One I didn't meet with excitement or anticipation. It is a chapter that starts with getting divorced. There are already highlights to the chapter such as getting a new home and renewing old friendships.  But there have definitely been low points - feelings of rejection, depression, and sadness.

I'm not sure how this blog will go. If it follows the path of my recent weeks, one day I might post about the great turquoise tea kettle I found at World Market, and the next day I might be voicing the displeasure of my recent label of "37 year-old divorced mother of 2."  Realistically I will probably post photos of my Golden Retriever and silly things my 2 year old says.

Either way, it's my new chapter, and I hope to learn, grow, and become stronger as it continues.